to be or not to be

i've decided what i do want. and that not becoming that has put a complete and utter halt on my life. i've realized that selfishness is deeper then we can imagine; and that my hopes and dreams are not that of anyone else. what i cannot understand is how the facade, of which i have no part in, is completely rendering me useless. i don't see what they see. i don't even get excited about it, or hope for it, or need it. i do mundane things to keep my brain busy, because otherwise all i can do is think about what i want. write it out. make purchases. sense and feel and cling. i can't imagine i'll ever be more ready. and yet. no one else cares or see's that. i wonder how long it will take for that single authority to hear me and say, "ok, we're with you. we want to see this through. your happiness means the world to us."