to be or not to be

i've decided what i do want. and that not becoming that has put a complete and utter halt on my life. i've realized that selfishness is deeper then we can imagine; and that my hopes and dreams are not that of anyone else. what i cannot understand is how the facade, of which i have no part in, is completely rendering me useless. i don't see what they see. i don't even get excited about it, or hope for it, or need it. i do mundane things to keep my brain busy, because otherwise all i can do is think about what i want. write it out. make purchases. sense and feel and cling. i can't imagine i'll ever be more ready. and yet. no one else cares or see's that. i wonder how long it will take for that single authority to hear me and say, "ok, we're with you. we want to see this through. your happiness means the world to us."

glitch

the beginning of fall usually casts a spell of melancholy. suddenly the air is not warm, plans become less frequent, goals can wait until tomorrow. i enjoy fall and the pleasant company it brings of less activity and slower days. i promised myself to never become sick of any one season; to love it till it was gone and then gladly embrace the next. it really does make every month that much better. but. one week in to fall and the first sprinkling of rain last night has left me feeling a little bit overcast. i think it's because one day i was hustling and bustling, now i'm as slow as molasses. i'll appreciate that in another couple weeks. till now i need to dig through the closet for my warmer clothes, and perhaps my warmer spirit.

oh hey, it's fall

I just realized I get to officially decorate. I will start tonight.

mermaid cove

September 21: johnny, chris, and i drove down to the oregon coast; newport, oregon to be exact. met with 84 degree weather, which never happens on our coast. usually it's misty and uncomfortable. met up with nearly my entire family consisting of dad, mom, jon, steve, andrew, daniel and andrew's girlfriend, stacy. mom stressed a bit cause we were 5 people over the maximum limit. but gosh. it was the most beautiful day i've ever seen at the beach. we went for a walk into old town and actually broke a sweat, then headed to the beach and ran as far as any of us had ever run into the ocean. and actually didn't get hypothermia. it was warm! then we ate and tried our luck by becoming mermen and mermaids in the pool. then we slept like logs.

September 22: first day of fall. 80 degrees. drove to a beach called Seal Rock which has really cool tide pools when the tide is out. the tide was absolutely in. but the water was warm and so were our hearts, so we had fun and tried not to think about all of the starfish we were missing. went to this place called Pirate's Plunder which did let us all down a bit, but the trip had been so great till now it really didn't matter. went back to the resort and ate hot dogs till we exploded. then jon, johnny, chris, and i loosened the grip on our wallets and headed to the Oregon Coast Aquarium which was awesome. Oddwater was on display, so we saw all sorts of incredibly weird fish. we also were able to pet sharks and stingrays. then we scooped up the rest of the family and went down to the beach one last time, built a sorry excuse for a sandcastle and ran around in the water for a bit. then twisted all of our ankles running back to the car in the sand [not really]. sadly, we had to drive home after that and i was really sad to leave. but now mom only has to stress cause they're 2 people over the max for one more day. that's really the only plus. because i am now sitting at work, trying to get the beach out of my head and actually work. thankfully we have a few more trips to look forward to. our view.

To be like Tinkerbell

$175 may seem like a lot, until you slip these on and suddenly every messy boy is a Lost Boy and you're on the hunt for Peter Pan. ah. if only!

Lord Byron

There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can never express, yet cannot conceal.

If I could just live on the road, that would be incredible. You could commune with nature whenever you'd like, meet people you never expected to. Maybe for once I'd quit being so tightly wound and just let go; I'd give anything to just stop caring what people think of me. I hope some day I get my wish! Permanently road trip me, with my husband and dog.